Progress

I've heard that after the first few bites that you can't really taste anything anymore, and that may in fact be true...it just wasn't Friday night. I had an awesome pizza - I got the thin and crispy crust veggie pizza and the crust was amazing! So good. Buttery, flaky - I just had to have more! But, I figure 3 pieces of that pizza was better than the 3 pieces of sausage and pepperoni my husband ate...and interestingly enough I feel groggy (from lack of sleep) but not like I OD'd on carbs, which is lovely. Nothing will replace a stuffed-crust pizza, but I'm gonna get really close with this thin crust. AWESOME!
I didn't  make it to pilates Sunday morning, but I did spend a few hours with Ethan in the pool (watching him jump off the diving board OVER and OVER and OVER). I hope that helps make up for it.
 
I went over my calories/points Sunday, but not by much. I was really looking forward to dinner and I'd worked hard over the weekend, so I figured an extra helping of tuna noodle casserole wouldn't hurt.


I did really well at the grocery store this week - got $150 of groceries for $64. All good stuff, too - I think the only things that weren't healthy and low fat were the microwave pizza's and poptarts that I bought my husband.

I got some fresh pre-chopped peppers/onions to add to my steamed omelettes because I suspect the reason those omelettes are turning out so runny is because I was using frozen veggies in them - my suspicion was right. I also got some more salmon, which I had for lunch Monday with brown rice & veggies. MMMM. It was really satisfying, I think that my body has been seriously lacking in the Omega-3's department.
 
On Monday night I let my husband cook dinner...and really, I told him to make him and the baby chicken nuggets and fries. We had 2 packs of mini nuggets so there was plenty...except I didn't expect that he's actually MAKE both of them. So what did I do when I got home from Zumba? YUP...ate 18 of those little buggers. So good, though. And, in my defense, I still stayed under my calories (if not my points...) for the day. And yes, I felt gross and sluggish Tuesday morning. Funny how food does that too you.


At Pilates on Tuesday we had a substitute instructor so I wasn't sure what to expect, except pain. Lots of pain. However, she kinda went easy on us. Our regular instructor really pushes us. This lady led a much gentler class, and while I still worked up a sweat I didn't get the same sense of accomplishment afterwards that I usually do in Pam's class.

I notice that now that I've been exercising regularly that my body craves it. The first three days of the week have been my exercise days...by the time Sunday rolls around I am feening for a fix! In a few weeks I'm joining a gym where I'll be able to go every day if I want, and I'm very excited about feeling good all week :)

I think I may have been off on my initial weight...I didn't actually weigh myself on the 8th. I took what my last weight had been three weeks ago (the last time I stepped on the scale). So, while I HAVE in fact lost this much weight, I didn't do it in a week's time. I've lost 2.5 pounds since my last weigh in on the 11th for a total of 11 pounds so far. I can't help feeling like it'd be more, though, if I hadn't gorged on chicken bites this week but oh well. Move on. I'm packing for a work trip tonight - we're staying at a hotel with a mini fridge and a microwave, so I've packed easy mac and chef boyardee for lunches for the boys and I've got single serving brown rice, chicken breasts (to steam), and steam-in-bag veggies to make for dinners. I'm also going to bring some romaine heart and cucumber for salad. The hotel has free breakfast, including eggs, sausage, and yogurt, so I'm good in that department. I'm still going to bring cheese bites and hard boiled eggs to snack on. I'm really excited to see my VA Beach coworkers, I miss them a lot, and I'm really excited to be back in the field, my element. I'm also excited to introduce Chris to Virginia Beach and hope he loves it as much as I do. And Ethan...well, everyone just can't WAIT to meet him :) I know they'll love him to bits.

Temptation and Addiction

Holy emotional eating, Batman! This evening's events triggered my "stress eating" gene...no worries, I didn't deviate from my planned meals, but I'm really fighting the need to soothe my nerves with carbohydrates. It all started when I got home this evening and found that my beagle had destroyed my blinds in the office, peed twice in my closet, and brought a plant in from out in the backyard and dumped it on my living room carpet. Welcome home, Mom!

I know the answer is more attention, and I truly am going to give it. In my perfect world I'd be home with my family, giving them all the attention they deserve. But reality forces me to work full-time, and for the next year or so until we can pay down some debt and relocate to a house more suited to a young, growing family, that's not going to change.

Cleaning up the mess, I felt the erie, creeping feeling of addiction encompass my spine and neck, all the way to that little part when it meets the brain - the hot, liquid silver fury that was begging - BEGGING? DEMANDING! NOW! To be cooled and soothed by that amazing piece of chocolate, by another helping of pasta, by just a few cookies. I could feel the anticipation of satisfaction, the parasympathetic reaction that proved to me I was reacting to the stress of the situation and not to my appetite - I could feel the soothing calm release of the food without actually eating anything. My body was tricking me...tempting me.

Knowing is half the battle, and so armed with that knowledge I continued with the evening agenda - bath, stories, and bedtime for my blonde boy. Now, I'm writing to kill the craving. Good battle plan, no? I felt and fought this same feeling when I quit smoking. I beat it then, I can beat it now.

 I'm otherwise really excited - this weight-loss go round, I've switched up my tempo. Instead of trying to conquer the diet aspect first I've begun conquering the exercise portion. I'm in week 4 of a fierce pilates class and week 2 of twice-weekly zumba classes, and I'm finding that I'm choosing healthier options based on how my body feels because of these classes. My husband made a deal with me that we could have another baby once I got back to my healthier fighting weight...and that's really the motivation I need. Oddly enough it's the best carrot to dangle in front of me.

This week I signed up with Fatsecret to track my food intake online as opposed to on paper, and I find the nutritional info very helpful and the search feature very easy to use, so I feel I may stay with this one.


I met with a local gym today. I've been taking classes piecemeal style at about $100 per month, and for $25 a month PLUS $10 for their babysitting service (which is a HUGE bonus) I can attend as many classes as I want and use all the equipment I want. I am going to sign up when I get back from the 4th of July vacation.  My ideal goal would be to go to a different class 5 or 6 days a week. Having babysitting onsite makes it something I can do with my son, so when Mommy goes to the gym he doesn't feel left out.

My pilates class this week was the first one where I felt capable. I felt strong. I felt like I could do the maneuvers properly and afterwards, I felt amazing. Now, the few days since the class...yeah, I kinda want to cry a little. But it's getting better...slowly but surely, it's getting better.

Fog

I have been in a fog recently. I can't quite explain it. My brain is stuffy. There are clouds behind my eyes. I move in slow motion.

I am usually lightning fast, sharp as a tac, and quick to focus.

I just don't care.

Which, again, is unlike me. I care too much about EVERYTHING. I overthink EVERYTHING. I sense DRAMA with each passing moment.

It's just that, now, I don't.

Here's where perception comes in, because I have two thoughts on the matter -

Thought the first: OH HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, I'M DYING! SOMETHING IS TERRIBLY WRONG!

Thought the second: Is this what it feels like to let the small stuff go?

I then have sub-thoughts.

Sub-thought the first for thought the first: CRAP! What will this do to Ethan's fragile psyche?

Sub-thought the first for thought the second: If ambivelence is the opposite of worry, I'm not sure I consider that a step in the right direction.

Sub-thought the second for thought the second: When you worry about the things you can change and stop worrying about the things you can't, doesn't that leave you at a disadvantage once the things that you can't change become things you really could have changed if you'd thought about it?

Then, I have a final thought on the subject:

Final thought: Eh.